Yeah, that's kinda funny.

“Valkyrie”

It’s a general rule of mine that I will not see any film whose title I cannot pronounce.  The only words spoken in the trailer are those of the characters in the film, but the director, clearly thinking of me and my shortcomings, decided to include a voice over of a man saying the name of the film, done most probably in an effort to get people with levels of intelligence similar to mine to rush to the theatres and see the movie. 

Now, I might not be the smartest person in the world, but I’m certainly not the dumbest either, and I have no idea, at all, whatsoever, what this fucking thing is about.  At first I thought it was an autobiographical pic about Tommy Cruise, but neither Joey Potter (don’t even pretend like you never watched Dawson’s Creek, you bitches) nor Oprah were in the cast, so I wasn’t sure what to think.  All I know is that Maverick has some pretty BITCHIN’ hairstyles.  Can anyone say “stud”?  Yeah, I can’t either. 

Another puzzling element about this film is the fact that Tom looked like a man of an average height, which is bizarre because the last time I checked, he was just clearing five feet, three inches.  Three and a half on a good day.  

There is a silver lining to this awkward little grey cloud.  After reading a description of the movie, I saw that Eddie Izzard has a role.  And I think we all know what that means.  

Hella fuckin’ drag queens. 

I’m psyched.  I think I feel my excitement building!

EDIT: False alarm, I just had to fart.

Click the link to see a higher quality version:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/mgm/valkyrie/

“Sex Drive” is a film that revolves around the most important aspect of human existence: boning.  Sex Drive tells the heartbreakingly awkward and, ironically enough, accurate story of most of the men I’ve ever known.  A young man trying to get laid posts on a dating site that he is some sort of super stud and that he can bench press an impressive “three-hundy” to get a girl’s attention.  Frankly, if a guy told me he could “bench three-hundy,” I would tell him to get the fuck outta my way before I call gym security.  

Regardless of the actual plot of this movie, I still wanna see it because it looks pretty funny.  Like Superbad, it even has the uproariously hilarious fat sidekick, who in this movie closely resembles a lesbian (Jonah Hill was just a wee too butch).  I’m sure it will be successful in theatres because every man I know will want to see it for a variety of reasons:

1. There will undoubtedly be naked girls. 

B. There will probably be many scenes where a “bunch of bros” get “hella fucked up.”

3. There’s a giant, talking donut that gets arrested by an inept police officer.

It would be a great movie to see with a bunch of people and see a young guy trying to get some.. maybe we’ll drink a forty.. or seven forties, WHO KNOWS if we’ll have enough time.  But I will be damned if someone takes me to see this on a date, mainly because I’ve never been on a date.  But on the off chance I do get invited, I wouldn’t want to go see a movie that would oddly resemble the future of my evening.

It would be like picking up a pound of cocaine and then seeing Scarface.  I mean, talk about a shitty night.

Click the link to see a higher quality version:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/sexdrive/

Oh, Oliver Stone… how you bless us with your presence as a director.  ”W.” is a film based on the crazy antics of George W. Bush, a man who’s most recent job has been Commander and Fuck-up.  The preview shows a young George W. in his wacky days at Yale, his wacky days as CEO of various failed companies, and his wacky days as being his father’s bitch.

Is there a more appealing idea to spend 2 hours of your life than to watch a fictionalized snapshot of the last 8 years with George truly, his gang of misfit rascals, and their outrageously hilarious collection of bad decisions and misconceptions?  Yes, and it’s called nailing your penis to the wall.  For Oliver Stone, capturing the life and times of Alexander the Great was a little out of his reach, so why not make a film about a man of power who happens to still be in power?  And with George W. Bush, the script writes itself!  Watch:

Bush: What should I do today?

Cheney: Well, you are Commander and Chief, perhaps you should run the country?

Bush: HAH, you’re right!  Let’s bomb Iraq.

Badum ching!  I should be a script writer with this kind of material.  “W.” is sure to be a flop, but is there a light at the end of the tunnel? AKA, is Barbara Bush looking smokin’ hot?  Hell yeah she is.

My dick just fell off.

Click the link to see a higher quality version:

http://www.wthefilm.com/

“The Day the Earth Stood Still” is a movie about the earth being destroyed…yawn.  Basically, if Jennifer Connelly (as seen in “A Beautiful Mind”) is killed, the earth will be saved….or something?  After watching the first couple seconds, I immediately knew the plot of the movie.  I, however, have come up with an even better idea (obvi).  Rather than actually having to kill J-Nellz, the earth can be saved simply by waxing those gnarly browz.  They look like they could be a serious and horrifying threat to humanity if they get any larger.  The high point of this flim (yes, I meant “flim”) is the fact that Keanu Reeves is ALLLL up in this bitch.  I would love to meet him as I am very, very curious to see how he interacts with people of my limited intelligence and unlimited idiocy:

Me: Ohmigod, Keanu, I love your work.  Can I just say, I love, love, LOVED you in The Replacements? Your so versatile…Need I remind you that you found the inner-talent to do The Matrix and Constatine, and then mix it up with such classiques as Sweet November and, my personal fave, The Lake House.  So my real question is this.  How many times have you stuck it to Sandy Balls?

Keanu:  Sandra Bullock?

Me: Yeah that’s what I said.

Keanu:  That question is offensive, Sandy and I are close friends, there is nothing physical going on between us.

Me: Is it because she she looks like a caricature of a normal human?

Keanu: Yes.

Me: Noice.

Now normally I wouldn’t see a movie with such a boring story line, but for reals, I’m all about gettin all Keanu-y in an empty movie theatre.  I’m so excited I think I just Keanu’d my pants.

Click the link to see a higher quality version:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/thedaytheearthstoodstill/medium.html